How to Deal with a Dysfunctional Family- Rachel Devine
Let's face it, spending time with family can be enjoyable, but at the same time, it can be toxic. All families have conflict from time to time. However, when the conflict is consistent, I believe we encroach on the label of dysfunctional family. There are certain degrees of dysfunction; some are lower-level, and some are highly extreme. The dysfunction can range from low-level manipulation to high-intensity alcoholism or drug addiction. Whatever the level of dysfunction your family resonates with, there are clear-cut solutions on how to solve family problems and conflicts.
Let's explore some solutions on how to overcome challenges and how to deal with a toxic family:
Origin of the Stress
There are several reasons why there could be stress in a family. A recent death in the family, a divorce, alcoholism, or a chronic long-term illness These issues will cause stress in the family. Some family members might be out of sorts. At times like these, it's important to try to support each other the best way you know how. To bring this down to size, remember this: you only have control over how you behave. Sometimes we need to just sit on our hands and do nothing and just let other family members be who they are. If they are under stress, you might try to be supportive. You will be much happier.
Tyrants
There are some families that have real issues with members that may be narcissistic, manipulative, gossipy, or just plain troublemakers. Recognizing that a family member always seems to push your buttons is a sign that you might have to set strong boundaries during a family gathering. Perhaps you can distance yourself from the tyrant family member and hang around those who are positive and nurturing. The more distance you put between you and that person, the better. Also, sometimes what we judge in others is actually something within ourselves. Look honestly at yourself and make sure your side of the street is clean. In other words, keep an honest account of your own actions, and if you need to make an attitude adjustment, now would be the time to do it.
Divorce
Being divorced with children is always problematic during holidays, as usually one ex-spouse has the children on a certain holiday and the other ex-spouse is all alone. Divorce brings an array of dysfunction, not only for the parents but also for the children. There always seems to be a tug at the heart when it comes to divorced children. My best advice would be to keep clear communication with your ex-spouse and try to keep things amicable so you have some negotiating power on days that you want to see the children more. Having a wedge between you and your ex-partner is only going to make matters worse. You might want to enlist a life coach or therapist to help.
Holiday gatherings
Holiday gatherings can be so beautiful if all family members cooperate and are on their best behavior. However, that is not always the case. In the case of alcoholism, you may want to just totally ban alcohol during your gathering. It might seem like a harsh move, but I find that some people can get intoxicated at parties and ruin it for everyone else with obnoxious behavior. I never had alcohol at any of my family functions as my sons were growing up, and honestly, no one missed it at all.
Silence
There may be a family member who will not talk to you because of an argument or disagreement. A friend of mine has an adult son who would not talk to her for a year after she separated from his father. Her solution was to just call him every day and leave a message saying, "I am here for you if you need me." I love you so much." He would occasionally pick up the phone but would be distant and cold. Finally, after a year, he came around and brought her flowers for Mother's Day and a card that said, "Thanks for always being there for me." It is heartbreaking when an adult child, or any family member, refuses to talk and is pretty much estranged. I like my friend's solution of leaving voicemails and telling her son how much she is there for him and loves him.
Gratitude
I always find that, at the heart of any kind of conflict, gratitude is the equalizer. When you can stop and be grateful for your family, looking at them with love rather than disdain, the situation always improves. An attitude of gratitude is a gift. Waking up each day and counting your blessings will set your day off on a clear, positive path. Looking at your family with gratitude will also set you off on a positive path. Sometimes when we change our attitude, the situation changes because of the positive energy we put into it. A positive energy flow will bring positive results. It can literally transform your life. It is better to feel blessed and thankful than like a victim. The benefits of gratitude is rewarding and will literally change your viewpoint. And saying a prayer before the family gathering could also work wonders. And of course, forgiveness sets the table for peace. Resentments can only build when there is unforgiveness.
As the great Norman Vincent Peale said, "Change your thoughts, and you change your world."
And this quote says it all with such wisdom and clarity:
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, and confusion into clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend." Melody Beattie
Rachel Devine is the author of The Third Road, a book that gently guides one to the power within and their purpose in life, and Lessons from the Needle in a Haystack, a spiritual book on dating and relationships.
Devine Intervention - The Healing Center website.
Please leave your ideas in the comments. Or please also feel free to contact me. I will answer all emails.