Anger Management: Overcoming Rage and Resentments - Rachel Devine

Anger often wells up automatically in response to life’s frustrations. But frequently, its roots trace back to childhood programming and what was fed into the subconscious mind. The subconscious mind holds most of our experiences, traumas, and feelings. The subconscious mind drives our life 95% of the time! That is an astounding figure. In other words, our anger can come from past experiences buried in our minds, or, as we call it, repressed anger.

Examining anger’s origins and proactively reconditioning your responses provides a pathway to inner peace. Sometimes we can actually see a pattern between childhood experiences and present-day anger. It’s important to look for any patterns that are familiar from childhood when anger arises. And remember, you only have control over your own life. This fact will bring you much happiness. Let’s look at some anger management techniques.

Resentments

When we allow anger to build up, it creates resentments. Over time, the resentments turn into instant anger. You could be in a marriage, and you have built up resentments throughout the years. Your partner can just walk into the room, and you want to go for their jugular. This is the worst-case scenario with resentments. This built-up anger can get unleashed at inappropriate times when triggered. There could also be unresolved anger from childhood that rears its ugly head from time to time. It’s important to get in touch with your anger, especially if it is out of control. A therapist can help you get to the root of the anger and resentments. A life coach can also be a valuable resource.

Childhood influences

Many experts attribute excessive anger to unresolved childhood pain, invalidation, neglect, or trauma. Suppressed emotions from past abuse or neglect can manifest as pent-up rage. Anger also arises when a parent is not emotionally there to nurture a child at the crucial infant to seven year old stage. If a child doesn’t get their fundamental needs met, they can not only become angry adults but also plagued by fears of abandonment. These fears stop us from making major decisions in life, especially in relationships. For instance, if one is in an abusive marriage, the subconscious mind may be dictating for that person to stay in the abusive marriage because leaving will set off fears of abandonment from childhood, which would be very painful for the inner child. Remember, the subconscious mind is driving your life decisions.

Making the connection between past experiences and current anger can be illuminating. The inner child still carries unresolved wounds and beliefs, often exerting unwanted influence from the subconscious mind. Remember, the subconscious mind holds most of our experiences, feelings, and traumas. Sometimes anger triggers our subconscious.

Let’s look at this example of road rage:

When someone cuts you off, do you go from fear to rage in an instant? This is very telling, as it indicates unresolved anger from the past that gets triggered by fear and usually morphs into raging anger.

Thought Pattern Triggers

Cognitive-behavioral therapists point to ingrained thought patterns like catastrophizing, unfair bias, imagined slights, and exaggerating harms that spark anger episodes. Such beliefs often originate in childhood and then operate unconsciously into the present moment.

Catching and reframing anger-inducing thoughts is key. Ask yourself, “Is my reaction warranted or out of proportion based on the facts of this situation?” This objectivity defuses rage. If the rage is bigger than the situation warrants, then chances are the rage is coming from the inner child and some past unresolved anger.

Childhood experiences example:

A young boy lives his whole life yearning for his father’s love. However, his father is an alcoholic and doesn’t have anything to give to his son. Throughout the years, the boy built up intense anger towards his father. Fast-forward to when the boy is an adult and married. He also has issues with alcohol, and when he drinks, his rage comes out, and he becomes violent towards his wife. This is just one example of why it’s so important to get rid of the repressed anger, that comes from his childhood.

Anger management techniques:

• Breathe consciously when anger arises, and pause before responding. In the gap of your pause lies the power to choose wisely, because the gap is where the peace of God resides.

• Voice anger appropriately when it arises in your day-to-day life, rather than suppressing it or having outbursts. Set boundaries calmly. Open communication is key.

• Accept that others’ behaviors are beyond your control; only your response matters. This reduces resentment.

• Avoid using anger meant for an original source from the past on innocent bystanders.

• Forgive yourself and others to unlock compassion and love. This neutralizes rage. And be aware that we are all humans subjected to making mistakes.

Let go and let God

One of the most liberating aspects of anger is realizing you don’t have control over anyone but yourself. Acceptance in any situation is the key to serenity. Additionally, some of us get angry when we can’t control the outcome of a situation. Remember, you don’t have control over people, and if you think you do, it’s an illusion. Many people labeled ‘control freaks’ are angry people. At a certain point, it is crucial to realize you don’t have control over anyone. If there is a situation with a loved one that you want to fix, stop and realize you can only fix yourself. This fact is very liberating and allows one to live their own life without feeling as if they have to control other people in their circle. Remember, acceptance equals serenity. Hand it over to your higher power, whom I call God. Imagine wrapping your loved one in a blanket and handing that person to your higher power. Remember, that person has their own higher power to guide them in life.

In closing, I want to reiterate that anger is an inevitable part of life and only becomes problematic when disproportionate, misdirected, or unexamined. But self-inquiry, conscious response, and addressing childhood wounds give you increasing power over anger’s hold. Also, it may sound strange, but punching a pillow when angry can help release the anger so it doesn’t get unleashed on an innocent bystander, like a co-worker, a child, or a pet. You could be angry with a rude clerk in the morning and then go home and yell at your child for something minor. Awareness is always the key to stopping irrational behaviors. And acceptance of the things we cannot change is always the key to peace.

In the great words of Thomas Jefferson, “When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, count to a hundred.”

Rachel Devine is the author of, The Third Road & Lessons from the Needle in a Haystack, and both are available now on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Or you can order an ebook on my website.

My books make great holiday gifts. Take advantage of a sitewide 10% promotion with the code SALE10.

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