Rachel Devine 11/6/23 Rachel Devine 11/6/23

Anger Management: Overcoming Rage and Resentments - Rachel Devine

Anger often wells up automatically in response to life’s frustrations. But frequently, its roots trace back to childhood programming and what was fed into the subconscious mind. The subconscious mind holds most of our experiences, traumas, and feelings. The subconscious mind drives our life 95% of the time! That is an astounding figure. In other words, our anger can come from past experiences buried in our minds, or, as we call it, repressed anger.

Examining anger’s origins and proactively reconditioning your responses provides a pathway to inner peace. Sometimes we can actually see a pattern between childhood experiences and present-day anger. It’s important to look for any patterns that are familiar from childhood when anger arises. And remember, you only have control over your own life. This fact will bring you much happiness. Let’s look at some anger management techniques.

Examining anger’s origins and proactively reconditioning your responses provides a pathway to inner peace. Sometimes we can actually see a pattern between childhood experiences and present-day anger. It’s important to look for any patterns that are familiar from childhood when anger arises. And remember, you only have control over your own life. This fact will bring you much happiness. Let’s look at some anger management techniques.

Resentments

When we allow anger to build up, it creates resentments. Over time, the resentments turn into instant anger. You could be in a marriage, and you have built up resentments throughout the years. Your partner can just walk into the room, and you want to go for their jugular. This is the worst-case scenario with resentments. This built-up anger can get unleashed at inappropriate times when triggered. There could also be unresolved anger from childhood that rears its ugly head from time to time. It’s important to get in touch with your anger, especially if it is out of control. A therapist can help you get to the root of the anger and resentments. A life coach can also be a valuable resource.

Childhood influences

Many experts attribute excessive anger to unresolved childhood pain, invalidation, neglect, or trauma. Suppressed emotions from past abuse or neglect can manifest as pent-up rage. Anger also arises when a parent is not emotionally there to nurture a child at the crucial infant to seven year old stage. If a child doesn’t get their fundamental needs met, they can not only become angry adults but also plagued by fears of abandonment. These fears stop us from making major decisions in life, especially in relationships. For instance, if one is in an abusive marriage, the subconscious mind may be dictating for that person to stay in the abusive marriage because leaving will set off fears of abandonment from childhood, which would be very painful for the inner child. Remember, the subconscious mind is driving your life decisions.

Making the connection between past experiences and current anger can be illuminating. The inner child still carries unresolved wounds and beliefs, often exerting unwanted influence from the subconscious mind. Remember, the subconscious mind holds most of our experiences, feelings, and traumas. Sometimes anger triggers our subconscious.

Let’s look at this example of road rage:

When someone cuts you off, do you go from fear to rage in an instant? This is very telling, as it indicates unresolved anger from the past that gets triggered by fear and usually morphs into raging anger.

Thought Pattern Triggers

Cognitive-behavioral therapists point to ingrained thought patterns like catastrophizing, unfair bias, imagined slights, and exaggerating harms that spark anger episodes. Such beliefs often originate in childhood and then operate unconsciously into the present moment.

Catching and reframing anger-inducing thoughts is key. Ask yourself, “Is my reaction warranted or out of proportion based on the facts of this situation?” This objectivity defuses rage. If the rage is bigger than the situation warrants, then chances are the rage is coming from the inner child and some past unresolved anger.

Childhood experiences example:

A young boy lives his whole life yearning for his father’s love. However, his father is an alcoholic and doesn’t have anything to give to his son. Throughout the years, the boy built up intense anger towards his father. Fast-forward to when the boy is an adult and married. He also has issues with alcohol, and when he drinks, his rage comes out, and he becomes violent towards his wife. This is just one example of why it’s so important to get rid of the repressed anger, that comes from his childhood.

Anger management techniques:

Breathe consciously when anger arises, and pause before responding. In the gap of your pause lies the power to choose wisely, because the gap is where the peace of God resides.
Voice anger appropriately when it arises in your day-to-day life, rather than suppressing it or having outbursts. Set boundaries calmly. Open communication is key.
Accept that others’ behaviors are beyond your control; only your response matters. This reduces resentment.
Avoid using anger meant for an original source from the past on innocent bystanders.
Forgive yourself and others to unlock compassion and love. This neutralizes rage. And be aware that we are all humans subjected to making mistakes.

Let go and let God

One of the most liberating aspects of anger is realizing you don’t have control over anyone but yourself. Acceptance in any situation is the key to serenity. Additionally, some of us get angry when we can’t control the outcome of a situation. Remember, you don’t have control over people, and if you think you do, it’s an illusion. Many people labeled ‘control freaks’ are angry people. At a certain point, it is crucial to realize you don’t have control over anyone. If there is a situation with a loved one that you want to fix, stop and realize you can only fix yourself. This fact is very liberating and allows one to live their own life without feeling as if they have to control other people in their circle. Remember, acceptance equals serenity. Hand it over to your higher power, whom I call God. Imagine wrapping your loved one in a blanket and handing that person to your higher power. Remember, that person has their own higher power to guide them in life.

In closing, I want to reiterate that anger is an inevitable part of life and only becomes problematic when disproportionate, misdirected, or unexamined. But self-inquiry, conscious response, and addressing childhood wounds give you increasing power over anger’s hold. Also, it may sound strange, but punching a pillow when angry can help release the anger so it doesn’t get unleashed on an innocent bystander, like a co-worker, a child, or a pet. You could be angry with a rude clerk in the morning and then go home and yell at your child for something minor. Awareness is always the key to stopping irrational behaviors. And acceptance of the things we cannot change is always the key to peace.

In the great words of Thomas Jefferson, “When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, count to a hundred.”

Rachel Devine is the author of, The Third Road & Lessons from the Needle in a Haystack, and both are available now on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Or you can order an ebook on my website.

My books make great holiday gifts. Take advantage of a sitewide 10% promotion with the code SALE10.

Devine Intervention - The Inner Healing Center

Rachel Devine 10/13/23 Rachel Devine 10/13/23

Ways to Accept the Things You Cannot Change - Finding Inner Peace - Rachel Devine

Acceptance is the key to serenity. When we can accept the things we cannot change, especially the things that are not within our control, then we can achieve inner peace. However, acceptance can be hard, especially when it comes to a family member. We don't have power over anyone but ourselves. Watching a loved one drown in drug addiction or someone we love live an unhealthy lifestyle can be hard. And yet, I have to emphasize that we only have the power to transform our own life.

Let’s look at 5 ways on how to accept the things we cannot change.

Acceptance is the key to serenity. When we can accept the things we cannot change, especially the things that are not within our control, then we can achieve inner peace. However, acceptance can be hard, especially when it comes to a family member. Watching a loved one drown in drug addiction or someone we love live an unhealthy lifestyle can be hard. And yet, I have to emphasize that we only have the power to transform our own lives.

Let's look at ways to accept the things we cannot change.

Acceptance

Acceptance means acknowledging, rather than resisting, our present reality, including difficult emotions, people, and external events. As addiction treatment expert Steven Hayes said, "Acceptance is about seeing things as they actually are in the present moment."

Acceptance is not passivity. We simply stop fruitlessly trying to control uncontrollable things. The more useful approach is to channel energy into transforming what we can change. Make no mistake about the fact that the only person you can change is yourself. Accepting that will help you come to terms with the turmoil in trying to change someone else.

Let Go and Let God

When faced with situations we cannot control or change—a loved one's choices, another driver's behavior, the loss of a job—practicing acceptance rather than struggling against what is happening provides a pathway to serenity. Sometimes the way to acceptance is letting go and letting God take over. We have the choice to hand our loved ones or the situation over to our higher power, or, as I call Him, God. We can wrap that person or situation in a favorite blanket and mindfully hand them over to your higher power for support, guidance, and grace. If you are a prayerful person, you can say a prayer for the situation in order to put some positive energy into it. This gives you a sense of peace as you slowly realize that letting go will bring serenity. Don’t feel guilty for letting go of a situation you can’t control. Your choice is valid. Motivational quotations can also help you find ways to let go.

Cultivating Acceptance

Here are strategies to start embracing acceptance:

Get curious - Observe your feelings and urges to control situations. Is trying to control the situation a way to alleviate stressful feelings that are overwhelming you?
Focus on what you can control - Rather than lamenting what’s outside your control, redirect efforts towards helpful actions within your power.
Let go of judgment - Release judgments about yourself, others or events being “wrong.” Sometimes what goes wrong has a lesson built-in that is priceless.
Let go of the guilt you might feel for letting go. Just know in your heart that you are doing the right thing for everyone involved.

Embrace your Feelings

Make a list of what you are struggling with accepting, and also make a list of what you have control over to change. You will quickly see that you only have control of your side of the street. Once you make the list, you can start to work on changing what you can and letting go of what you can't change. Also, start to look at things to be grateful for in the situation. Being in a state of gratitude helps us find peace with the situation. I suggest you practice gratitude daily. Give thanks for any positive outcomes, including lessons and opportunities for growth for yourself. This breeds perspective and ultimately leads to finding happiness.

And remember, if someone has to learn a valuable lesson, sometimes the only way to do that is to hit rock bottom. Trying to stop someone from hitting their bottom in life is equivalent to trying to stop God from doing His job. We all have a higher power to guide and protect us as we journey through life. Be trusting in life's process, as we can almost always see the blessing in disguise. When a person hits rock bottom the only place to go is up. You can also visualize the desired outcomes with positive thinking. Imagine goals manifesting smoothly without you having to force or control the process.

Prayer

When all else seems to fail, prayer is the calming power within. Prayer is a common practice to let go of the thing you can’t control and put you in a peaceful state. I believe the power of prayer can work wonders. When you are in prayer, you relinquish control of the situation, but still put blessings on what you would like to see a positive outcome for. It’s a great way to find some peace. The serenity prayer is a great tool that has so much wisdom and helps put perspective on situations.

The Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Through mindful surrender, rather than frustration over what we cannot change, we tap into an expansive peace, faith, and inner freedom. Remember, it's progress you are looking for in this situation, not perfection.

In the immortal words of Ovid, "By yielding, you may obtain victory."

Rachel Devine is the author of The Third Road, a book that gently guides one to the power within and their purpose in life, and Lessons from the Needle in a Haystack, a spiritual book on dating and relationships.

Devine Intervention - The Healing Center website.

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Rachel Devine 9/24/23 Rachel Devine 9/24/23