True Love vs Infatuation. What is Relationship Chemistry?

I have always been intrigued with the word, chemistry or infatuation, to a point where I did a ton of research and wrote an article a few years ago on relationship chemistry. I want to explain what physical chemistry in a relationship entails. Additionally, I will explore true love vs infatuation and intense chemistry signs.

What is the chemistry of infatuation, you know, that high intense electricity between a man and woman? Have you ever met someone and in an instant you felt head over heals in love? Is it true love or infatuation? If you want to attract your soulmate in life, you want the love to grow slowly, not have a high intense chemistry upon meeting this person. That would be toxic and not love at all, but infatuation. Let’s explore the types of chemistry in a relationship and true love vs infatuation.

Here is my relationship chemistry definition in scientific terms:

“High levels of dopamine and a related hormone, norepinephrine, are released during attraction in the infatuation stage. These chemicals make us giddy, energetic, and euphoric, even leading to decreased appetite and insomnia.”

These chemicals make us feel euphoric, so why wouldn’t we want to feel this in a relationship? Well, the answer to that question may surprise you.

Have you ever been mesmerized by a man/woman you just met with a high intense chemistry? Is it merely infatuation, a strong shot of chemistry, or true love? Did Cupid shoot his arrow bringing you true love forever or is this perhaps toxic?

Actually, infatuation and chemistry are essentially the same thing. And they are a very, very long way from real love.

According to Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., in his book, Keeping the Love You Find, chemistry or infatuation is actually an attraction to a person who combines:

• The worst traits of our parents or childhood care takers to infatuate us

• The negative traits that infatuate us and we possess but deny in ourselves

• The traits that we find infatuating but have been repressed in us by our upbringing

• The infatuating traits that society denies our gender

That person who infatuates us is, in fact, the last thing we consciously want. So, beware if you meet someone who reminds you of your mother or father because this could very well be a toxic start to a relationship.

Hendrix says we all seek our "Imago image," that is an unconscious image of the person our childhood programmed us to fall in love with or become infatuated with. The Imago is like a homing device that drives us to repeat ourselves, choosing over and over the facsimiles of our caretakers' worst traits. This explains why many of us continually meet the same type of man/woman when we are dating.

When we find ourselves saying, "You're just like my father or mother," this person who infatuates us is our Imago match.

For example, a man who is seeking a kind woman, just like the one that married his dad, is attracted to a woman at a party. Infatuation strikes! Why? He is unconsciously attracted to the way the woman strikes a pose or her manner of speaking; the way she is so pleasing and kind. He begins a conversation and infatuation strikes them both.

She is unconsciously attracted to his power and his take-charge air of authority. In short, he reminds her of her father, a no-nonsense, masculine type. You know, the one she could never please. He protectively puts his arm around her; she nestles his head on his shoulder. Together they contemplate true love and happiness forever. Love? No, chemistry and infatuation, yes!

We also seek an imago who possesses traits of our "Denied Self." These are negative traits from our parents that we cannot bear to recognize in our own behavior.

Hendrix states, "The anger that is so unsettling in your partner was unconsciously chosen by you not only because it reminds you of your mother, but to substitute for the anger you cannot admit to in yourself. Your perception of that anger is at least in part a projection onto your partner of your own inadmissible anger."

By choosing a partner with the traits we deny in ourselves such as compassion or courage, we can be a whole person without having to take responsibility for aspects of ourselves that make us uncomfortable. We seek in another person those traits that have been repressed in ourselves and steal them into our own personality.

Love has to develop over time, and is not something that happens in a week, or even a few months. Time is the answer to all our questions on love. Therefore, give your relationship time to settle into a long- lasting commitment, so it is healthy. You also want to build a foundation of trust and communication in friendship. The friendship stage is crucial to building a loving relationship.

Let’s explore healthy love. The short definition for the word "love" from on-line dictionary is as follows: 

A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

What does the word love mean for you? 

A very wise Deacon said this about love on a retreat I attended:
"There is a universal need to love and to be loved."

Every person on this planet has a need to love and to be loved.

The following meaning of love and friendship came out of the retreat as well.

Love:  A desire to share your life with someone who is good and work for that person’s welfare and happiness.

Friendship: A deeply close relationship between two people with great trust strongly discovering the goodness and love in each other. 

I think if you combine both definitions, love and friendship as indicated above, you will have a great definition of love combined.

My definition of love is: Love is when you feel a joy and excitement when you are around each other, with a deep friendship, respect, communication, trust and a mutual desire to make each other happy. For me, communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

I asked my good friend Janet what makes her and Mark’s 50-year marriage work? This is what she wrote back to me:  "Mark and I discussed your query and we came up with this quote (mostly his)."

"The basic ingredient in our 50-year marriage is a love relationship based on mutual respect for each other. A couple who truly love and respect each other could never intentionally hurt each other’s feelings in word or action. Communication is also key. In addition, God has always been an important part of our marriage and our children's upbringing.”

In conclusion, love has to be nurtured and develops over time in a relationship. Infatuation or chemistry feels amazing; however, it is not healthy and it usually will not last. And when it wears off, one will seek it with another partner. Relationship chemistry is an illusion, in a sense that it appears to be quite amazing and yet it is toxic in a new relationship. One should run for the hills if they find themselves head over heels over someone. And…if you have high chemistry and the person you met does not, well, you have a recipe for disaster and heartache. It’s okay to have an attraction and some chemistry, but it is the high intense chemistry that is unhealthy.

Therefore, let your relationship grow in friendship and then in love over time and nurture it together with lots of respect, kindness, love and communication.

Rachel Devine is the author of the book, Lessons from the Needle in a Haystack. Become a Magnet for True Love. A valuable handbook for dating.

Life-coaching available.