5 Ways to Break Relationship Patterns Rachel Devine
As the author of, Lessons from the Needle in a Haystack, I did years of research into dating, relationships and toxic relationship patterns. I learned some fascinating facts on a variety of different aspects of dating, especially how to break relationship patterns, that I will share with you in this blog. I will show you how to identify relationship patterns and how to break these patterns, so you are free to meet your soulmate.
The Origin of the Toxic Patterns
Examples of Relationship Patterns
Three paths of Dysfunction
How to break the Toxic Pattern
A Clear path to Attract a Healthy Soulmate
The Origin of the Toxic Patterns
The first aspect of toxic patterns is to understand the origin of where it started. Believe it or not, the toxic pattern starts in childhood. How we learned to love from birth to seven years old determines the type of person we will connect with as an adult. We tend to connect with this same type, over and over again, until we break the pattern, which is totally possible. In fact, I am going to show you how.
There are 4 very important developmental stages of a baby going into childhood.
The Infancy Stage - birth to 2 years old
The Preschool stage - 2 - 4 years old
Independent stage - 4 - 6 years old
Inter-dependence stage - 7 years and older
The infancy stage is the co-dependent stage from 0 to 2 year-old stage where we are dependent on our parents for survival. This is a stage in our life where the more love we receive the better. It is a stage where a baby needs nurturing, love, cuddling and a response to crying out for the babies needs.
The preschool age (2-4 years-old) is the stage of counter dependence. This state is often referred to as “the terrible twos” This is a time where the child wants and needs to assert its ability to interact with its environment. The child is gaining its autonomy from co-dependence. It is a good time to allow the child as much independence as possible, of course, within reason and safety. A toddler still needs nurturing and a sense of feeling safe in their environment.
From 4 to 6 years-old is the, Independence stage. At this time a child doesn’t need his parents to do everything for him/her and the child becomes more independent of them. A more advanced time of asserting their independence. Of course, the child still needs love, nurturing and a sense of belonging.
At 7 years-old the child is at an inter-dependence stage of being more independent of their parents and being able to do a lot on their own. At this age a child is just understanding the concept of death and may have questions about death, which is a time of reassurance.
All of these developmental stages are a crucial time in a child’s life and if one doesn’t get their fundamental needs met of love, feeling valued, and attention there are issues later on in adulthood. All or some of these different stages come up during relationships. If a child doesn’t get their needs met in these crucial developmental stages when they become adults there are an array of different dysfunctions that gets carried over to the love relationship. We also attract partners that are similar to our parents and how we learned to love. You will see how that works as this course unfolds.
Examples of Relationship Patterns
The way you learned to love from birth until 7 years-old is what you are programmed to attract into your life as an adult. This is a subconscious thought that is imbedded in your subconscious mind. It unknowingly navigates your path in love relationships. If you received a lot of love and attention in those formative years then you might not be as bad off as someone who grew up with parents who may have been on drugs or heavy drinkers. So, let’s explore this whole idea, because it has a strong impact on your adult relationships.
Let’s take an example of a friend and how she interacted with her family from birth to 7. She remembers her father worked a lot and was hardly ever home and how she really missed him, especially in the summer when her friends were going on outings with their family. She longed to be with her father. She had a younger brother who seemed to get a lot of attention from her mother. She also had to live with the staunch reality that her parents didn’t get along. Her parents seem to fight all the time. It’s so crucial for a girl to get a lot of attention from her father. It sets the stage for future relationships. An absentee father gives the message to a little girl that she is not worthy of time and attention. Furthermore, a little girl feels abandoned. And the most important aspect of this situation is the little girl does not feel loved.
Fast forward to her early twenties and her dating life. She was very needy and wound up sleeping around with men to get that inner child need met of feeling loved, which was not fulfilled from her father. She craved attention and love. She wound up marrying a man, exactly like her father who was a workaholic. And throughout the 10-year marriage she longed for a true relationship with her husband, the same way she longed for a good relationship with her father. They wound up divorcing in her early 40’s and for the next 15 years she floundered meeting the same type of man as her father with a different face. She would meet men who would be very disappointing and emotionally unavailable. Her whole love-life was dictated by her fathers workaholism and the effect it had on her entire childhood. Of course, she had no idea why she kept attracting the same type of man as her father, but sometime in her 50’s she started therapy and doing inner child work and it all made sense to her. However, at this stage of her life it is good to have some reasoning as to why all her male relationships failed, on the other hand it is sad to realize she wasted so much time in bad relationships because of her upbringing.
Let’s take another situation with Tom. Tom grew up as an only child in a family that worshipped him. His mother did everything for Tom as he was growing up. In fact, she spoiled him and actually made him the center of her world. Even into his late teens, his mother was still doing his laundry, making his bed, and doing everything she could for him. He never really detached from his mother and bonded with his father, because at the age of 12 his father and mother divorced. His parents fought a lot and his mother was verbally abusive to his father during these arguments. His father met someone else and got married and got busy with his new family. Tom didn’t have a good relationship with his father because his father didn’t always come around on weekends to have visits with Tom. It made Tom a very angry young man. If a boy doesn’t bond with his father at around at 12, adverse effects follow into adulthood as you will see.
Fast forward to Tom’s early twenties and his dating life. Tom became a full blown narcissist and felt the world revolved around him. His first relationship was a disaster. He met a very timid and kind woman who bent over backwards for him. She was, well, like his mother, always doing things for him. Tom was very happy, but his girlfriend was miserable. Tom was not only self absorbed, he was verbally abusive to his girlfriend and had a short temper. His unresolved anger from childhood for not having a good relationship with his father would rear its ugly head into the relationship. His verbal abuse was intense. You see he picked up this verbal abuse from watching his mother treat his father in an abrasive way. As you can see Tom was a total mess and desperately needed therapy and inner child work. I might add that now his ex-girlfriend also needs therapy and inner child work.
One last example is a girl who grew up as a middle child from a moderately dysfunctional home. In order to get attention and love from her parents, she would offer to shine her fathers shoes, do the dishes for her mother, and other chores. This gave her a sense of love and attention. Now fast forward to her forties when she met a man who pretty much decided to sit back as she jumped over hoops to get his attention in a love relationship, by offering to help him get custody of his children, and by helping him move, helping him sort out his finances and his work issues. By the end of the relationship she was exhausted from trying to get his attention and love. You see she attracted what was familiar in her childhood. She recreated her childhood home. The toxic pattern attracted a man who would sit back and not really engage in the relationship, due to all his issues, and let her do all the work. She was jumping over hoops to get some love from him, as she did as a child to get love from her parents. A relationship that is one sided is equivlant to putting a square peg in a round hole. It is not a good fit. What she finally learned was true love doesn’t have conditions and both partners need to be as close to equal as possible in the give and take area. However, before she could move forward in a healthy relationship, she had to own her part of giving so much to receive so little. She had to work on herself, because she can only change herself. There are 10-gallon people in life and there are 100-gallon people. Her ex-boyfriend was a 10-gallon man, who couldn’t give her what he didn’t have. She was a 100-gallon person and deserves to meet a 100-gallon man.
Before you can attract a true soulmate, it is imperative to recognize these childhood/adult patterns and break them. In the last section I will show you ways to break the love pattern.
Three Paths of Dysfunction
You already have taken the first step of recognizing the patterns from childhood. Once you can see the patterns that set in, you can change them. Working with a therapist is one great way to break the dysfunctional love pattern. In order to move forward with a healthy relationship, you have to work on the issues from the last one, otherwise, you will take all the dysfunction from your previous relationship into a new relationship. If you have any fear, trust issues or low self-esteem, this would have to be worked on before moving forward. Awareness of the problem is key.
Fear
Trust Issues
Low self-esteem
Fear - Many people come out of a relationship either with a broken heart or some kind of fear that you think you might come up again in a new relationship. If you were abandoned in the relationship, ghosted or just dumped the fear can be intense. You have to work out the fear before moving forward. I suggest a good self-help book or therapy. Just a talking it out with a friend can help. If you are a widow and feel abandoned by your spouse dying, which is normal, you will want to work on the fears of abandonment before getting into another relationship.
Trust Issues - If you were cheated on in your previous relationship or have any trust issues from your last partner, that would also have to be worked on before moving forward into a new relationship, because you don’t want to bring these trust issues into it. Truest issues are fears with more intensity. Some people never recognize their trust issues and also never advance to a new relationship. Having this awareness gives you an edge because you have an option of working on it. The same applies here, a good self-help book, therapy or talking to a friend will help. Remember, behind trust issues fear is lurking. It’s hard to overcome trust issues, some don’t get over it in a life-time, so I suggest you really recognize it and work on it.
Low self-esteem - Low self-esteem is the easier one to deal with. After I got out of a relationship and felt low-self-esteem, I decided to give myself all the nurturing and love I gave my ex-partner as a way to build on my self-esteen. When we do wonderful deeds in a relationship, it is actually a way to build on our self-esteem in the relationship. Therefore, once the relationship is gone, so is that aspect of self-esteem. So what if you gave yourself all those wonderful deed. What I did was took off from work for a week, got a manicure and pedicure, gave myself flowers, bought a new outfit, got my hair done, went to a singles dance and a singles barbecue. What I did was show myself how worthy I am and how I want to be treated by a man, with love, respect and generosity. My self-esteem soared to new heights and it gave me a good start for the next relationship. I also looked made sure I did not bring any negativity to the next love relationship.
How to Break the Toxic Patterns
The first step to break out of the toxic pattern, like any dysfunction, is awareness. Just reading this blog has given you an edge and a wealth of information. The second part of breaking the toxic pattern is by clearing this from your subconscious mind. You can do that by recognizing the lesson from the last relationship and processing that in a letter. One way you can break the cycle is by writing a letter to your ex-partner, as a way to clear the channels.
This is how you would do it.
Recognize the toxic pattern from childhood and interrelate it to your adult love relationships.
Write out any patterns you see from early childhood that relates to your adult relationships you have or had in the past. Recognizing the pattern is key to breaking the toxic relationship patterns. Take your time to go back and look at how you learned to love from birth to 7 years old and write everything down and look for patterns that relate to past or current love relationships. This is where all the answers are revealed.
Once you recognize the toxic patterns, write a letter to your ex-partner thanking them for all the lessons you learned in the relationship.
When you come to terms with the fact that your ex-partner was your greatest teacher and the lessons that emerged were a learning experience for your growth, you will be on your way to freedom. Write a letter of all the lessons you learned in the relationship. For example, if you were in a verbally abusive relationship the lesson could be you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. If you were in a relationship where you were cheated on, the lesson could be, you deserve to be in a monogamous relationship with someone that respects you and you trust. Or if you were in a relationship with someone who was not generous with his time, then the lesson can be I deserve to be with someone who spends time with me. Make sure you write all the lessons you learned and thank your ex-partner for each one. Remember, a written intention is powerful.
Read the letter out loud to a trusted friend, or relative or therapist or to yourself.
It’s important to read the letter out loud so you put these powerful life-lessons out into the universe. In essence you are releasing them from your life in the hopes of never having to repeat them in the next relationship.
Either burn the letter in a sink or destroy the letter. As you are burning or destroying the letter you will say, “I forgive you (partner’s name) and release you to God for the good of all.”
This ritual is a very effective way of breaking the toxic pattern. You are sending out into God’s vast universe the message that you learned the lessons from your previous relationship and don’t need to repeat these lessons in the next relationship. You are clearing the channels in your life for new love to come in and releasing yourself from the burden of resentment and unforgiveness. This also will help your subconscious mind reprogram and clear so you start to meet more healthy prospects for a partner or soulmate.
A clear path to Attract a Healthy Soulmate
Now that you have done the ritual you can use the power of positive thinking and the law of attraction to attract a soulmate. You will do this by writing out all the attributes you want in a partner. Don’t leave anything out. Write what you want your new partner to look like, to all the attributes you want, like good personality, great sense of humor, trusting, honest, generous, etc. This is a letter outlining your true love. Once you do that you can read this out loud to put that energy out into God’s vast universe. Read the list often to keep that energy going. Keep a picture in your mind, a good visual of who you want to meet and then let go. When you visualize your future partner, resonate with how you feel about being with that partner. Remember a time in your life when you were totally in love and resonate with those feelings.
Now you have done all you can, it’s time for cupid or God to take over and bring you a healthy and viable partner. You can put the list in your pocketbook or another place for safe keeping. A written intention along with positive thinking visuals is key to help you connect with the person of your dreams. And you might want a life-coach to guide you along the way.
My new online course, Break the Toxic Relationship Pattern, has more information is designed to show you step-by-step how to recognize and break the toxic relationship pattern so you can clear the channels to meet the partner of your dreams.
My online course, How to Attract your Soulmate - Learn the Valuable Secret, will help you step-by-step, to learn how to attract a healthy and wonderful soulmate into your life. It is designed to help you break the toxic relationship patterns so you can connect with your soulmate.
I also have another online course, The Art of True Love - Remove the Blocks. This course will show you how to remove the blocks, work through the 3 dysfunctional traits of fear, trust and low self-esteem issues, that stop you from connecting with a healthy partner. This valuable course has helped many people discover truly amazing knowledge, which brought them way ahead of the dating game.
My book, Lessons from the Needle in a Haystack - Become a Magnet for True Love, is a valuable handbook for dating and is available on Amazon. This book has helped so many people learn how to have fun with dating and to connect to a healthy partner.
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