Ways to Recognize when your Inner Child Sabotages your Relationships-Rachel Devine
The wounded inner child, carrying baggage from past hurts or abandonments, often undermines romantic relationships unconsciously. This is a very scary notion that there are aspects of each and every one of us that we are not aware of, which can destroy a relationship. By understanding your inner child’s dynamics and the way it acts out, you can heal its pain and break free of relationship-destroying patterns. But only when you can understand it, can you really heal its fury and live a happy life. Inner child healing starts with you. And make no mistake about it, we all have an inner child that causes havoc from time to time. Furthermore, those who are just ‘unlucky in love,’ might see a pattern from childhood to adult relationships that explains this dilemma. If you are dating and meeting the same type of dysfunctional person, with a different face, it’s time to look at the inner child. Awareness is the key to solving any issue. Let’s explore all of this together.
Defining the Inner Child
According to psychology pioneer Carl Jung, the inner child represents our instincts, vulnerabilities, feelings, and unmet needs from childhood. John Bradshaw, an expert in the inner child and author of Homecoming, further defines it as “the accumulation of all unmet childhood needs and wants that make up the childhood energies still expressing themselves in our adult lives.” John Bradshaw was an advocate for reparenting our inner child.
This inner child dwells in the subconscious mind, influencing behaviors independent of adult awareness. Our reactions to romantic partners frequently reflect the inner child’s projections. To be clear, the subconscious mind is like a vast memory bank holding all of our past traumas, experiences, and feelings from our inner child. During times of stress or triggers, the subconscious mind or inner child lashes out in very unexpected ways that are often unexplainable.
Inner Child Dynamics
The inner child dynamics are not complicated. There are 4 stages of infancy development. Let’s look at these stages:
The first stage is the infancy stage. This is the co-dependent stage from 0 to 2 years old, where we are completely dependent on our parents for survival. This is the stage where we need a lot of care, nurturing, and love. It’s a time in our lives when we depend solely on our parents for survival.
The preschool age from 2 to 4 years old is the stage of counter-dependence. This stage is often referred to as “the terrible twos.” This is a time when the child wants and needs to assert their ability to interact with their environment. The child is gaining his or her autonomy through co-dependence.
From 4 to 7 years old, there is the independence stage. At this time, a child is becoming independent and doesn’t need his or her parents to do everything, and the child becomes more independent of them.
At seven years old, the child is at an inter-dependence stage of being, which is much more independent from their parents than previous years, and pretty much can do most things for themselves.
All these developmental stages are a crucial time in a child’s life, and if a child does not get their fundamental needs met, there will be issues that develop later on in adulthood.
How we learned to love from birth to seven years old in our family of origin will determine our subconscious imprint that gets embedded in our brain. These imprints will determine who we connect with as a partner. When we get into adulthood, we attract those people who fulfill our innermost subconscious needs. This imprint from childhood is what we subconsciously navigate with when seeking out a partner in life. This is why it’s important to understand that we attract what we are resonating with. Additionally, this is the reason why most people marry a clone of their mother or father!
Recognizing Inner Child Havoc
Some signs your inner child is sabotaging your relationships include the following. These are all reactions to triggers, which would be a stimulus that elicits a reaction stemming from a negative childhood experience.
Extreme defensiveness or mistrust of your partner’s intentions
Severe jealousy about harmless interactions
Constant need for validation and reassurance
Major mood swings or emotional sensitivity
Fear of enmeshment or losing yourself
Panic when feeling alone or abandoned
Difficulty with true intimacy and vulnerability
Inability to keep a healthy relationship
Extreme anger issues or fears
John Bradshaw explains: “The wounded inner child inside many people can destroy loving relationships. Your childhood wounds affect your relationships.” These wounds stem from the inner child’s neediness. This is due to not getting your fundamental needs met as a child, from infant to 7 years old. It is a good idea to explore this time in your life and what transpired. The patterns in our family of origin are usually what we bring into our relationships, friendships and work environment.
Healing your inner child
To short-circuit destructive inner child responses, self-awareness of the triggers through mindful observations of your emotions and reactions is key. The first step is to be aware of the problem and not ignore it. Then intentionally reframe your self-talk. It’s hard to do this in the heat of the moment, but reflecting back on the conflict you had with your partner is key to awareness because you can look at it during a calm time and adjust your actions in the future.
As an example, if abandonment wounds cause you to interpret your partner’s business trip as intentional neglect, remind yourself, “This is my inner child projecting past fears of abandonment. My partner loves me and is coming back.” Recognizing a pattern from childhood that correlates with the adult situation is the first step to healing.
For instance, if your father was working all the time when you were a child, you may have developed fears of abandonment, so your partner going on a business trip could trigger these painful feelings from childhood. Remember, all of your traumas and experiences are locked away in your subconscious mind and will get triggered when stressful events happen that jolt those inner child feelings. When you identify a pattern, you can go back to the time of the trauma from childhood and comfort and love your inner child in a meditation. John Bradshaw boldly suggests we go back to your childhood home and visualize your inner child in pain and comfort him or her. It is the most loving thing you can do for yourself.
Self-love
Self-love is crucial to having a healthy inner child. Cultivating secure relationships also involves reprogramming core relationship beliefs in your subconscious mind—for example, that you are worthy and loveable. Visualization, affirmations, and therapy can help instill self-reliance, regardless of your partner’s proximity or validation. It all starts with a firm, loving foundation in your relationship with yourself. Healing the inner child is crucial, and so is this inner child work. You have to be the one who is strong in your own skin, and it’s important to develop a good-loving, secure relationship with yourself. You can do this with daily affirmations and visuals of being strong alone, so when you are alone, your subconscious will draw on the visualization. I used to do a meditation where I would sit on my higher power’s lap as a child. In my case, I proudly call my higher power God. In this meditation, God would instill in me that I am worthy and loved, and I can never be abandoned because His spirit dwells within me. Of course, you have to use the higher power of your choice. Just imagine your higher power telling you how valued and loved you are, and give you assurance that you can never be abandoned.
Positive Affirmations
These positive affirmations are a good start to changing the negative subconscious to a positive one:
I am happy.
I am loved.
I am strong.
I am secure in my own skin.
I am at peace.
I am a child of God.
The more compassion, understanding, love, and stability you extend to your inner child directly, the less it will act up unconsciously in your relationships. It is like reparenting yourself with much love. You deserve that peace and stability. Using positive affirmations daily is a good start.
In closing, the inner child is a multifaceted issue and really does demand your attention. It is important to explore your inner child, who is very real and a very big part of your life, and try to see the patterns of self-sabotage when they happen. It will help your relationship become happier. Remember, awareness is the key to overcoming any obstacles in life. Having a loving relationship with yourself is the single most important thing you can do to heal the inner child.
Rachel Devine’s new book, Discover the Power of the Secret within - Healing your Inner Child to Manifest your Dreams, is on Amazon now.